Beauty In The Shadows

Something began tapping on my window.

I was laying back in my recliner in my cold living room wearing fleece PJ’s, wrapped in a blanket with down slippers on my feet. It was a dark grey day outside.

It was dark in my heart too. I was sick…and sick of being sick. It had already been years and years of illness and losses to grieve, with no hope in sight. I had lost my closest companion - my son’s dog who adopted me when my son grew up and moved out. He had been my faithful companion through this difficult time and I missed his warmth next to me and his constant love. I felt so alone. I had no visitors, but even if someone had wanted to come, I didn’t even have the strength to talk with them.

There it was again…tap tap tap tap….tap tap tap tap…

- the rest of the story -

Everytime I twisted around there was nothing there! Finally, I turned onto my side and kept my eyes on the window. Tap tap tap tap…tap tap tap… Suddenly, I saw it. A little chickadee had landed on the ledge going across the center of the window and was tapping the glass with it’s beak!

Now, you need to know that chickadees had been my favorite bird since we moved into this PNW home 20 years earlier. I loved the song they sang… “Chick-a-Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee.”

Before my illness, my favorite hobby was gardening and I had slowly transformed a bare front yard into a gorgeous English Cottage garden - white picket fence included. Amongst the blue hydrangeas and hosta’s were bird feeders and a birdhouse.

We had an abundance of chickadees visiting the feeders. At one time, I was even able to feed the regular visitors right out of my hand! They nested in the birdhouse right next to a living room window and I watched the fledglings as they left the box, one by one.

But my garden was now neglected and partially removed. It was one of the many losses I experienced due to my prolonged illness. I no longer had bird feeders, nor regular chickadee visits.

No matter what or who it is you love, when it is lost, grief descends like a dark valley. It is not something you can control. Like a dark rainy day, it encompasses you without your permission. With no control, you can’t even see your way out this dark valley. It might be a short walk, or it may be a long long journey.

I have come to understand why David wrote in Psalm 23 in the Bible,

“Even when I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

For you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

Protect and comfort me.”

Psalm 23:4 (NLT)

In what I would call the “olden days” but really not that far back, evangelical Christians taught that the Shepherd’s “rod and staff” were only about fighting off danger around us and keeping us in line. But on this day, the tapping at my window was a very different example of the peace our Shepherd’s staff can bring us in times that are dark, scary and hard to understand.

This little chickadee, came back day after day after day doing this little tapping until I finally understood that Jesus, was gently tapping me on the shoulder with his staff, reminding me that he was there.

I felt alone, but I wasn’t alone. He was there! He was right beside me, walking with me, and saw the trials that led to this dark valley, but he had not deserted me.

When you are walking a dark valley right now, how does it feel to be told you are seen and not alone?

As time passed, the chickadee didn’t return. But Jesus sent other soft gentle taps from his shepherd staff. I began to watch for them. They were moments that, in my past, would have gone unnoticed. But I noticed them now. And these gentle taps from my Shepherd bring me such peace.

Even now, in periods when my health is somewhat better, the memories of these gentle taps in my darkest days brings a smile to my face, and also peace in the midst of new dark valleys. In fact, as I edit this story I am in the midst of one. But Jesus continues to send me taps of his staff reminding me he’s here and he’s got this!

Every time I drive past the White Tank Mountains here in Arizona, I feel sad that there is no color on those mountains. But one day, as we drove past, puffy clouds had settled behind them and the shadows being cast were so striking I took a picture.

Shadows in a landscape usually just highlight the beauty around them that is being hit by sunlight, but in that moment, I remembered the peace I have because I have experienced Jesus walking through the dark valley’s with me. And suddenly, it was the shadows that were beautiful. And I had to paint it!

This painting, “White Tank Mountains”, was painted both to express and remind myself that there IS beauty in the shadows. It’s His presence.

While we work hard to avoid them, struggles, difficulties and dark valley’s come into everyone’s life at some point. You can struggle through it alone, or you can invite Jesus to walk through it with you. He always says yes! I hope this knowledge brings you as much peace as it does me.

And when any of us come across someone else in a dark valley, instead of trying to solve the issues for them or trying to help them make sense of it all, just reminding them that they are not alone will bring them peace in the midst of the chaos of loss.

I encourage you to write down the stories of the little taps Jesus brings into your life both to remember them when life is hard, and to share your stories with others. There is beauty in the shadows.